The Good Land

When I ask myself what my "gifts" are, I can come up with one thing that I am particularly "gifted" at:

Comparing my insides with other peoples' outsides.

I'm really good at this.  I mean, really good at it.  I'm ashamed to say that it's not just a gift, but an art that I've mastered.  I'm sure many people struggle with are gifted with this too.  I've found that if there is one sure-fire way to kill your joy, this is it.  Because when you compare yourself to someone else- especially someone that you don't truly know- you are going to become unsatisfied with yourself.

The reason I share this is because I recently indulged in my gift for comparison and found myself questioning myself and the path that I have decided to take in life.  I compared myself, with all my flaws (at least all of the flaws that I am aware of.  I'm sure that there are plenty more!), to someone that I have never even met.  Someone who appears to have everything together (they always seem to have everything together, don't they?).  Someone who seems to have a purpose in life and passion; two things that seem to ebb and flow in my life.

It's funny.  In the few hours that I was around this person, I developed my own idea of what this person was like.  I couldn't imagine that she would ever have unshaven legs or a stray hair in her eyebrow.

Both of which I have right now.

And on most days.  (It's almost a holiday when I get the chance to shave my legs or put on make-up.  Partly because of time and partly because if I'm really honest with myself, those things don't matter too much to me).

I quickly let my "imaginations" of this woman's life get out of control, and before I knew it, I was questioning my purpose in life and my decision to be a (mostly) stay-at-home mom:

What is my purpose in life?  More specifically, what is my purpose as a mother and wife?

What does it mean to be Cailey?  What makes me "me"?

How do I find meaning and purpose as a mother when it's not a "unique" job and many women are mothers and work outside of the home?

I think of one woman (who I actually do know well!) that encourages me because of the confidence she has in who she is.  She doesn't make excuses for who she is; she accepts herself.  Out of all the women that I know, she is the one who reminds me to relax and stop striving.  It's freeing to be around this woman.  This is the kind of woman I want to be.

I am going to think on these questions, but for now it's time to turn off the computer and go to sleep (especially since the last few nights have been less them restful around the Oates home).  More on that later.